The venom in my veins is green from the lights i've seen

Our assignment is to work on our mini game which i have been doing, but unfortunately I am clueless in flash. After all this time in this class I have not figure flash out one bit and it really aggrivates me. I will keep trying though. I have been trying to start uploading all my progress and keep things in order and looking good. I guess we will see how far I go with that. Now I am blogging and trying to post things to my project page, with the project page and posting things i have no problem, but actionscript is completely different...

quote of the day

"if i leave, i bet you'll wish i stayed make you regret all the things you said to me.."

-A Day To Remember

With These Colors I Stand....

Wats up...I've been gone for a minute but I guess I'm back now,
A Lot of things have changed just like all things do right?...some things might have
gotten better but some things have gotten worse. My habbits have gotten necessarily worse but my outlook on life has change for the good I think, I'm just living for me and i guess sometimes that's the thing to do if you wanna stay alive and in my case it was very vital. My summer went amazingly well, I did a lot of things too much to tlk about but let me tell you it changed me completely.
Im a senior this year...YESSS
and i'm so pumped to get the fuck outta this place haha...
but my mom is doing good :) that's awesome and makes me happy...
Ig I will come back...here we go again...

"Your scarlet soaked and bold and the sheep's eyes locked to mine, sink to my bones.
Though your lips still drip, intentions, they keep me wanting more...
It's rising against all the walls we built for falling."

A Drowning Voice

I've made a habit of making a mess of things.
The newest news, The day talent show at school went better then we all expected,
Our fellow peers wanted a double encore, and that shows real support.
I saw my dear friend, John this weekend. He's been gone for a while
training for the USMC and it was great to see a peice of family again...
lYou know the thing about life is, is while some may think they have it all figured out I know that life can't be predicted or looked at in an optimistic state of mind. You have to question, just wing it and expect it to turn out..but by saying that i'm hypocrite so let life bring you down and conquer....

"You light the lantern with the hope in your heart
follow me with your light through this storm so I can
see what you can see."

Bullets Sweat When Breaking Skin

Friday, Weekend, and for some reason I'm not to stoked about it really. My band played the talent show last night and I can say that I thought we did great. A lot of our old friends were there to watch the roof fall in (expression). This little peice of me keeps eating at the rest of me.. I'm haunted by the memory of someone who will never be in my life...my father.
I don't necessarily know why I've been thinking about my childhood lately but I don't really want my thoughts to adapt to that peice of mind. I have found to keep these kind of thoughts on my own persons, but I'm losing it with that part of my life. Let's say goodbye...goodbye to what used to be. Let the shit burn,

"we give and we take
we bend and we break
but that´s just the life that we´ve chosen
this sinking ship will not be abandoned"

I Make The Rules And This Is How It Ends

It's wednesday and a bunch of stuff has gone down this past week or so. I haven't been keeping up with this thing. In the last week I somehow managed to get arrested, present games that we had made for school, hang out with old friends.
I can't beleive my school year is almost over.
I can't wait for summer vacation, nonstop party.
The top gets higher the more that I climb.
I'm thinking the old ways I had are coming home....
maybe they aren't but the monster in me fuels for it and
I just feel like an open book to the disease that was me.
......

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

"I stole that fuckin clock, i took the time and i came up from behind
And pretty much snuck up and butt fucked this game up."

Let's Sit Back and Watch The Story Unfold

It's Friday and the weekend is here and I'm ready for it.
The westest sucked ass...but it's my last year taking that bullshit
of a test so I'm glad. I've been thinking alot about reincarnation.
Is it real? I mean it's random, but it's just a question. Where do we go from here.
I mean we are born, we live, then we die. What is after all that?..I'm sure it's nothing. I mean I'm open minded about most things, but lately I've come in contact with my true religion. I'm full blown atheist. I have no beleif in this so called god. There are different sections in everyone's life that they need to figure out. It feels like even when I'm happy I'm not...maybe it's just that one simple fact, that it will always come down too...

is if i have JNP in my life or not...I miss her :(

"I'm tired, so tired of walking through this fire"

An Allibi In A MurderTown

It's Wednesday and it's been raining pretty much most of the week.
It's dark in my heart and even darker in my mind. I'm sick of caring, deathly sick.
Numbing the senses I have has become daily. I'll let it die.
The thought on my mind is change. What a challenging word, but oh so necessary.
It's intimidating but yet welcoming with warm arms.
The segment where change is needed right now is my love portion.
Noone can truely understand what it's like. waking to a battle in your own head. Leaving every dark and sinister thought in your bedroom just so people won't judge or ignore what is really there. Meaning in Tragedy, does it have a meaning?
I'm going to put some of my art abilities to use, and hopefully my business strategy will fly off the ground smoothly, if not what's to lose?
The way i am might be a monster, but i'm going to die in my own shoes and take my own reflection with me...

"It's on the tips of our tongues.
Help me, Hear, Leave me, forgive me.
If I fall, I'll be the one left to lie alone In this mess.
And I know, That If you end your life.
I will be joining you shortly."

Next to Reinvention

It's monday, gloomy, wet, flashflood, and thoughts of caring and love in my heart. Me and Amber aren't working out right now. Her eyes are bloodshot and she can't see me as it seems. I had a good weekend though, went bowling. A bunch of freinds and I just went to have fun, and it was pretty fun. I've been writing some new lyrics for Autumn Sunrise's new song. I'm trying to reach deep in me this time. Your thoughts ever control you?..cuz mine do, like a remote control car, according to mood swings. I hate it. I try though, still, I'm thinking about leaving still, to be honest it never left my mind. I just don't know.

"Sing me to sleep tonight sweet juliet.two star-crossed lovers married
looking for regrets
by daybreak I'll be gone
and searching for your kiss
leave me a drop of poison waiting on your lips"

I Pray To The Sky He Speaks Before I Die

Well yesterday was great, and today started off great. I walked in and I didn't see Amber and then I looked to find her again after I sat down and she was here. She didn't come over to where I was or nothing. I think I was supposed to go sit by her lol. oh well. that's making mistakes and learninng from them. I know now.
Ej and I hung out
just me and him yesterday and it felt like old times
We just had a heart to heart which was pretty cool.
He's my best friend.
My mom is super sensitive since she's been out of the hospital and it drives me off the wall. I'm seriously talking like a baby that never sleeps, that kind of annoying.
I'm trying to adapt to it though cause
it's my mom and I still care about what she wants.
I am trying.

"If you could see what I've seen
You wouldn't try to mess with me
And though we've been here before
This time we'll realign"

Never Will I Close My Eyes

I'm writing today on a different note I hope.
Being content is here and I'm taking it in.
I don't know what to do with the thoughts left in my head but to let them mingle in the back of my mind. It seems like things are getting better.
Amber and I are good.
She isn't at school today :( I was hoping to see her, but I guess I have to wait.
School is going ok, and I'm still trying as we speak.
I have a lot of questions in my head.
Nobody feels like they can answer so I don't bother to ask.
Sometimes i feel like i need answers to get through.

"I will fight one more fight,don't break down in front of me, I will fight one more fight I am not the enemy,I will try one last time are you listening to me? I will fight the last fight, I am not the enemy."

Tearing Into The Light

It's Wednesday and I did not have a cigarette before I left the house,but I'm doing good without it.
I had a pretty good day off, just hung out with my homie Jason and just chilled around my house.
As of 5/10/10 me and amber are a kind of a thing again.
Prom night some shit happened, and I'm still mad and upset about, but oh well right?
don't hold a grudge.
School isn't really changing, I'm not failing any classes on my mid term, so that's good. It seems like everybody is finding someone lately, and that's pretty much how it should have been all along. Amber is sweet :) she knows how to make me smile.
....
For some reason I still find my way back to that black cloud and I'm lost but somehow I feel content with where I am. it's like taking a refreshing waterbreak during this longass walk. Let's run the last mile.

"Feeling manic for a day
Depends on the trends
Depends on the surface
If the sun never sets"

A Tunnel To Retrospect

This weekend went fairly well,
Friday I went home and spent the day asleep, and it felt great just to rest up like that. Friday night I stayed at ej's and we went Saturday morning to pick his dad up from the hospital Ernie is going to be okay. That's awesome.
Saturday night we went to prom, and I had a great time.
I looked fly.
I got to dance with Amber, it made me feel great. I miss her.
and It meant a lot for me to dance with her and I got a kiss out of it ;)
and the party at my house wasnt that bad.
Sunday went pretty good to I just hung out with ej and slept, ate a little, hung out with little brother (travis), got no sleep, and now i'm at school.
I don't know what to do
If only you could see into my heart.
I feel alone...prom was good.:)

"When you cry a peice of my heart dies,knowing that I may have been the cause.If you were to leave, and fulfill someone else's dreams, I think I might be totally lost."

Fragile Hearts Beating Still

Today is a little better, I don't exactly understand why.
Things are the same as they were yesterday, except Ej's dad
got put in the hospital while we were at school yesterday.
I hope he's okay. Puking up blood isn't exactly good health.
We had practice yesterday and Autumn Sunrise has a new member!
Ryan Boggs, he cracks me up so much...he did really good at learning
bass lines for the songs we have. The only problem is, is that he's still
in a band over here called Falling Into Shadows. I don't know exactly
how long that will last because he'd rather play in Autumn Sunrise...
Cloud nine here I come, sedation never sounded so good.
I think maybe it's time to readjust to today's life, find the new me, because
it feels like the old me is dead and gone...This is how mad men are made.

“You expect to break me? Impossible! You broke me years ago. You killed me years ago....”

Just Murder Me Gently

This might be my last chance, So maybe I should take it. I just hope your listening, To everything Im saying. I miss the long drives, the car rides, The bad fights, the good times. The way you make me feel will never leave my mind. These past few nights my mind has been running circles, not just the small hand sized circles, like running circles so fast that the olympic track stars would be envious. I'm still alive I will admit and I have made it this far, but now that I've come along this far the only thing is is that I know it's going to have to end sometime. I chase these ghosts with a pack of Camel 99's and an empty state of mind.

School is getting a bit easier to deal with. When I'm at school my mind reverts to then right direction, but when I leave this place I go right back to a dented being. I'm more alive then ever for the pain I feel is surreal. Cuts you down to you and your sense of pride. Today is one of those days when all I feel can be poured out and I'm fine with that. Basically, to put this all into motion on the inside of your skull, I hate this, I despise being alone, I'm afraid of the future, I'm devistated she is gone forever, and I'm positive I'm falling all over again.

"sat ashore and watched as one
Hopeless wave crashed upon another
While my thoughts ran to the highest hills
My heart never, never reached the sea
With only delusions of an endless journey
I am left with an ocean between you and me
An ocean between

Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
Of someone else’s dream

The gate to my heart has been weld shut
With the splendor of my aspirations closed in"

Shoot From The Hip

This weekend strictly sucked. There is no other word that can describe it besides sucky. I'm facing more battles in my mind, and I don't know how to react with my thoughts. They just seem to eat right through me everytime. If there is only one thing I've learned it is this. We are all crazy until proven we can hold sanity in our hands. Some lose their grip on life and my hands are tired and I'm starting to slip. I got my prom clothes yesterday, nothing fancy just some nice dress clothes. I'm ready for today to end. I'm being swallowed whole. I'm trying to stay focused but my train of thought is derailing, and it's gna be a nightmare when it finally crashes. The one thing I want right now is someone to love that will love me back, and I can't seem to find that anywhere....I have so much on my mind i can't take it. FML

Quote of the day

"silly me for thinking
honesty is something
given free I make the rules
and this is how it ends
heartbreak baby is half the fun
you bring the bullets
I'll bring the guns
take ten steps now turn and draw
I shoot from the hip and watch you fall"

- A Change of Pace

The Crossroads

I'm worn out today.
I fucked myself up yesterday skating.
I tore my body apart,but I'll get through.
Afterschool today is going to suck away my pretty day.
I don't know what to do lately, and to tell the truth i don't know why
There is a hole in everyone's life and they have to find their way out.
my hole is getting deeper and i can't see any kind of light.
I'm really happy the band is staying together.
We still have time to make something happen.
CHECK US OUT ON YOUTUBE!

Quote of the day
"You confide in me, like the human breed, that you've always known."

-Autumn Sunrise

The Cracks In The Wall Whisper The Past

It's Wednesday and I'm starting to get worn out.
I mean I don't try to have a bad outlook on life,but I'm just going
to ignore how I feel and start concentrating on what I need.
What I need is more important right?
I have afterschool tomorrow, it sucks...
that's what i get ig,but who says it will stop me from doing it again.

GOOD NEWS TIME!
Ej and I are going to Virginia beach this summer for the greatest thing in the world.
Warped Tour...oh yea great



I can't wait it's going to be a big trip and the best part is that it's around my birthday again.
I've been working still, I mean not as hard as before but I'm still working. lol
Ig as of right now, I'm staying here, and not going to wisconsin.
I didn't really find a reason to stay,but I found that if I stay here maybe just maybe things will improve...maybe right?, leave it up to chance?...sometimes i'm afraid i don't have time to wait.

Quote of the day
"You make me sick.
With every move you make.
When will you find
your place in this world?
(Cause it'll never be beside me)
Again..."

-A Day To Remember

Last Day of the Rest of My Life

The weekend was okay. I had a lot of fun just hanging out with my friends. We are the youth of a nation.
Today isn't turning out so good right now.
I already know that I'm going to get called to the office,but oh well right?
You know I got a really cool book the other day and I'm actually excited to read it. It's like freestyle poetry through the whole book, and I like stuff like that.
I thought of the past this weekend.
Meaning I met an old person in my past.
Amber and I are talking again and it brought back memories and I might have made a huge mistake,but I don't know I just hope i will figure things out. any advice on life?...i will listen.

Quote of the Day
"I'm here now feeling the pain of a thousand hearts, can't break the broken."
-12 Stones

Under The Microscope

Well since I'm at school right now.
I just received a day of after school...oh well
no big deal.
I'm working hard still, and hopefully I'm putting some kind of dent
in getting my credits.
So far my life outside of this prison is getting surprisingly better. I mean
I've been trying to look at life in a new way.
Remember the word trying.
Things are still hard,but I'm a trooper and I will try to make it out of this place alive. Hopefully. The past couple days have been good. Learning some new tricks and got new trucks for my skateboard. Right now all that matters is me and my friends..and i guess my education lol keep you posted.

Quote of the Day
"And like before, makes no sense Never coming, Always leaving, like before hooked on substance."
-Chevelle

It's A Wonder They Don't Rip Your Heart Out

Working, Working, working!!!
I'm starting to wear out,but I'm going on. I'm starting to fall content with the whole jen thing, I think maybe I'm finally ready to let go. I hope her the best and It was fun.
Wait maybe I'm just in denial or something like that. Oh well scratch it I have more things to worry about. I'm still thinking of millwaukee, cuz it has a job, place to live, my own pay check, and I can still go through my senior year. The only thing is i'm leaving everyone behind.
I'm going to miss my family when I go if I go.
I'm going to miss all my friends especially ej...
I hope they understand.
Ej says he's going if I'm going and I don't think that will happen.
I've been working on a lot of different stuff like school, attitude, and just stuff like that. I'm chaning the way I look at things the most. It's a major issue with me.
I had a good week. Mayday parade show is still in my head ahhh...Great times :)

Quote of the Day
"All these tears and pain are silent but screaming"
- A Change of Pace

Cold Hands Breathe

Well Friday went great, the band is not breaking up after all and that suits me :) I'm still trying in school, I actually did my homework for once..WOW! I know....We are going to see Mayday Parade Today! and I'm so fucking excited i CAN'T wait. I'm in Computer class and all I'm gonna say is holy shit!..cuz herb is good, just to put that out there...everyone likes it and oh my god I'm freakin crazy lol...
Jen's mom called me yesterday...it pissed me off.
but i'm not fighting with them anymore, i know where i stand.
The show on Friday turned out a little better then what i expected.
Kodie's vocals sounded good, they could have been louder,but oh well he did good.
Stuff at home is getting better, let's hope shit stays that way..
let's hope all this shit stays this way.

Quote of The Day

"With a show of hearts on the floor, who has ever meant them more
Well I'll swallow my pride if you'll stay for the years
And watch me spin circles as I disappear."

-Mayday Parade

Double Up on Cigarettes and Grape Soda

Alright! I'm doing alot better now, just throwing that out there.
The show at the school is tomorrow and I'm pretty excited and
on top of it all, Monday, Ej and I are going to go see Mayday
Motherfucking Parade!..Can't wait it's going to be a good day Monday.
My girl issue right now is bare :(
Oh well I can be happy without a girl..maybe
I'm not talking to anyone right now and I'm just keeping my options open
that's my excuse.
Not doing so well in school, all my classes are pretty much failing to be a success.
I'm going to do better, I'm going to.
For three reasons.
Certain people are coming here next year and I'm not going to be here for more
then one year with them.
The second,
The high school drama is unbareable.
The third and final is I'm going to go to college at the same time as my class.
They are all my friends and I'm not going to let time move on without me.
The Millwaukee thing is still open, I'm staying open to new ideas on how to releive stress,but until I find a way then I'm going to handle it my own way, even if it kills me. Life is okay so far, doing better then before.

Quote of The Day

"Fresh off the jet Sharper then Gilette...I'm a beast you are a pet."
-Young Money

This Wasted Time On You...

Has got me at an end. I still need to make my decision on whether to go or stay. It's really hard cause all my friends and my mom are here and I don't want to leave that shit behind. What if I have to? What if I stay and something goes horribly wrong again? Why does everyone think they need me?!, I don't know what to do about it so It's time to leave it up to the quarter.
Mia and I are talking again which puts a huge smile on my face. I can't beleive what happened, that shit won't happen again and I'm working for one goal when it comes to her and that's just getting to know her. Most people would think that's awkward,but the thing is I want to know the real Mia not a fake or something like that. It's complicated.
My grades in school are not doing good at all. I am failing a lot of different classes and I feel no change coming, so I don't know what to do. I'm going to try and improve everything, but promises don't mean a thing these days. Spring Break was okay just mostly skated and hung out with friends, nothin better than that. I've had some negative shit to come my way but it's done with I guesss.
Our last show this friday :(
Hopefully it turns out good cause we are not leaving this game with a bad reputation.

Quote of The Day

"i'm here struggling with my brothers.
this is the most passion you will ever see.
my heart is breaking for and with you."

- We Came As Romans

The Road to Hell Is Paved With Ugly Faces

Update!
my mom is doing a lot better, I slipped up while she was in the hospital,but i hope people can look past the dumbass decisions. I thought maybe reinventing myself and trying to live to higher point would work but I feel lifeless in my own skin. I might leave and when I do I'm gone. There is no coming back to this place. My mom agreed to let me go if it's what makes me happy, now all i have to do is decide.
Spring Break is over.
I'm hopeing I spent it at it's most.
I like to take the time to mend what was broken. Everyone i'm sorry whether this is read or not. I'm sorry I let you down, I do it a lot. Let's call this free falling..I'm gonna die soon.

Quote of the Day

"Take me back to how I used to be
I'll never close my eyes again
How could I ever forget a place like this?
Somewhere that I can call my own.
My eyes will only see,
what I'm supposed to be."
-Miss May I

What This Meant To Me

Hectic weekend.
That's the only way to say it and I'm still a little shaken up. I'm losing it,but I'm leaving that shit behind. I'm so stressed that's all noone understands. It's just my mom, ex, friends, drama, schoolwork, the future...it's all so overwhelming. She is the only thing that made me happy but now that that is gone. I have nothing,but I'm moving on....with nothing

You will burn with the rest of us

My mom is awake and talking..:)
that's great...one less thing to worry about.
The thing is death can find you anywhere...and my mom is playing one hell a game of hide and seek..she's a troooper.

I would like to have a little discussion on love...
Don't fall in love
for this reason and this reason only, you will be alone before you know
it and then your life will come crashing before you like a burning bridge...
Me, myself I am just going to leave it where I found it..
who am i kidding?...it's not possible but take my advice and just try to not get to attached..
because once you latch on..your dead
This little blog thing is just a way for me to vent I'm guessing...no it's not just for that. it's expressing the way people feel nowadays...it's telliing you how i feel on different topics and experiences.
I'm going to come out stronger...maybe

Quote of the Day
"As the deceitful sounds made from the hole in your painted on face
You're a tree bent by the wind."
- See You Next Tuesday

My Medicine Ball

It was so hard to pull myself out of bed today. I took a pretty good feeling shower and then dressed up for another day in the life of xavier. I find myself at wall...one of those walls that you can't break through and there is only one way out.
Last night I just sat and thought to myself....what is happening?
Walk a mile in my shoes...your feet will break...
school is going alright
I just hate waking to have someone tell me what I'm aloud to say, wear, and just who I can be. It pisses me off...I really need to get some new music on my ipod lately I've been listening to a lot of...
Eminem
Asking Alexandria
Oceano
MyChildren MyBride
Job For A Cowboy
Alesana
John Mayer

I just listen to what I like I guess...fuck it
Mia
I talked to her last night and I'm kind of hoping she likes me..
because I wouldn't mind trying to get away from my past...I mean I love my ex but I can't handle shit...It's difficult and complicated and I don't know how I'm supposed to explain it...especially when anyone can see this.


Delusion
by: Xavier

A place like this, filled with unsatisfyed tyrants and a disease
in it's own.
Bare with your arms like we've always done, bare to be ignorant
and relentless in it's own.
A Martyr keeps his gold wrapped tight with the hold on his neck
he will embrace what is rightfully his.
Our echoes are coated with death and skimming the surface of just
EXISTING.
The place above the clouds can't be seen
and this perception of life belongs to noone
noone but me.

just a little poem...
Quote of the day

"The life that I am force fed
I'm scared of the road ahead
Have you listened to a word I've said?
The big picture is my dream is dead."

- I See Stars

Tie Me Together...

Last night was very interesting.
My mom could actually identify me and try to talk...
It broke my heart just standing while she was in critical care...
It put a smile on my face to see she was breathing a little more on her own.
I can't wait for her to be back where she was..
In other news I got invited to hang out with my ex-girlfriend...everytime I see that girl I just fall into a daze of confusion. I don't see how someone can love someone so much and their lover doesn't love them...She doesn't love me like I love her at least not anymore. She did manage to take my breathe away....We kissed :)

Idk wat to do anymore...but maybe we'll get home soon.
I have so many questions that noone can answer and noone can help me with...
I don't whether to walk away or keep chasing the wind...
It's snowing again, after nice sunny skate days it fucken snows...
Lately I've been working on a lot different tings...I write a lot of lyrics for my band...We have our newest song done and I like it a lot...We play in about two weeks at a local show...I can't wait.

Quote of the Day

"Kiss goodbye, to the poetic letters, the symptoms
Of being able to breathe without a care
Cushion the screaming, it's merely conversation in regards to
Speaking for the sake of concern."

-Asking Alexandria

Dead Man Walking

I had a decent weekend. I was just living sideways for a while and just injested what I really am. We meaning ej and I...ok stop, I need to tell you about my best friend ej. He's been like a brother to me for about five years. I really depend alot on that kid and I can honestly say I love him..I love him like a brother loves a brother not love as in a boy loves a girl. ok now that, that is done. We met up with these two girls...Mia who is ej's girlfriends best friend....she is gorgeous...a really
really
really
cute girl...
but I don't know what to do. I'm gone. This daze i'm in I've been in all weekend...either a high like no other or just warning...i don't fucken know....Things at home are the same..I live alone for right now cause my mother is laying in ICU in the hopital....but my sisters are safe with my grandmother and I'm doing fine...just getting there....

Quote of the Day

"your beauty is no, no more.
so why don't you just fuck yourself you fucking whore.
"well i should of known, not to look into her eyes
I'm cast to stone, her glare was my demise"

- Bring Me The Horizon

I'm done with what we had....her memory haunts me to the point where breaking is understatement. Jennie is my ex girlfriend...I was with her on and off for three years....Loving her is so hard but I can't help myself...but I'm moving on and leaving her memory behind...where everything else is cuz these days won't be like the past...

The Rapture Undone

Well, the story is I'm in this class in high school and we are required to
keep business associated blogs...Fuck That!...I'm here to write about my life...
maybe just maybe someone somewhere will be interested. This is a place to vent
and tell my story...

Facts:
I am 16
I skateboard
I spend time under the influence somehow...
I sing for a band called Autumn Sunrise
...and lately I've been walking through the darkest days of my life...

Quote of the Day
"my angel lie to me
and tell me im dreaming
(please wake me up, please wake me)
A girl like you will always be
such a tragic part of me
(oh ecstacy you torture me)"

-Alesana


You see every day we face a battle in our heads...well that's why every day is starting to feel the same to me. I've lost the girl I love, My mother is far from close, and I'm going down this road alone with only a pack of cigarrettes and a taco bell burrito supreme....I hope your ready because you are about to get an ear full....